TV: September 2005 Archives

I actually watched the first two episodes of Threshold before concluding that the formula is too weak to bring me back every week. The first hour of the pilot was pretty good and the cast is excellent for this type of material. Carla Gugino (last seen without her clothes on in Sin City) is Dr. Molly Anne Caffrey, a government consultant who dreams up contingency plans for all sorts of global disasters. One day a spaceship enters Earth’s atmosphere, sends signals to a Navy ship, and Caffrey’s contingency plan for First Contact is activated. She leads the team of specialists, played by actors Rob Benedict (from Felicity and Alias), Brent Spiner (Star Trek: Next Generation), and Peter Dinklage (The Station Agent). All three of these guys are pretty comical and bounce off each other effectively. Dinklage is the most interesting personality on the show—he’s a genius, but he’s also a horndog and extremely arrogant. He’s been drafted to serve the government and he doesn’t like it.

I watched the pilot with some interest, but the second episode just dropped me cold. The aliens have “infected” or programmed humans with a mental virus. This virus presumably makes the humans sabotage various things all over the world and enable the aliens to conquer the Earth. The first episode was about stopping a Naval officer infected by the virus. The second episode was about stopping some kid possibly infected. So every episode they stop some dumb-ass infected with the virus? They aren’t doing a whole lot. In the second episode, some guy blew up his face in a Burger King.

Sorry, Carla, but unless you’re in a thong every episode, I ain’t watching. Nuff said.

The thing about television shows is that the majority of them have a fixed budget. When Star Trek: Next Generation was on the air, each episode cost about $1 million. That was a problem for an effects heavy show. Sometimes they would go overboard on the effects for one episode (like Best of Both Worlds) then pay the price by having a few episodes totally contained within the ship to save money.

Smallville has the same problem. It’s a show with a both an advantage and a handicap. The advantage, of course, is that it’s about the young life of Clark Kent. The handicap is that he can’t become Superman until the show ends—he won’t wear a costume or fly until the very last episode. Likewise, he can’t really end up with Lana Lang, his high school sweetheart. The writers on the show do incredibly long gyrations to keep Clark and Lana flirting, coming close to snogging, then breaking away at the last moment.

There is really only one big moment that Smallville’s writers can shake up the show, and that’s the season premiere. In Season three, the show opened with Clark, living in Metropolis and infected by red kryptonite, using his powers wildly to rob a bank and escape from police. In Season four, Clark emerged from a cave filled with Kryptonian artifacts and having “Kal-El” take over his personality. Clark actually flew (an incredible special effect) and robbed Lex Luthor’s plane, stealing another Kryptonian key that he needed, before Lex could see his face. (When the episode ended, Clark had no idea that he was airborne or that he has this ability.)

Now in Season Five, we have the biggest opener yet. Clark has been transported to the Arctic by the Kryptonian cave, and he throws an ice crystal in the same way that Jeff East did as young Kent in the 1978 Superman movie. The Fortress of Solitude arises out of the snow and ice, looking exactly like it did in Richard Donner’s film. (We have to assume that Bryan Singer will keep the same look in Superman Returns). Jor-El (voiced by Terrance Stamp—General Zod in the first 2 Superman films) talks to Clark through the crystals (highly advanced computer technology?) about his destiny. He must study Kryptonian history and culture to survive his future tribulations. Yet at that same moment, Chloe is freezing to death, having been transported to the arctic as well. Two evil Kryptonians have arrived in Smallville in another meteor storm and are beating the crap out of everybody: Lana, Lois, Lex, and Pa Kent. (Lana and Pa get knocked around enough to swear there should be permanent damage.) Clark has a choice to make: sacrifice his loved ones or leave the Fortress—guess which one he picks. The climax is terrific, because we see the Phantom Zone again, and it looks just like does in the first movie, with that crazy mirror rotating and showing the criminals in that other dimension.

The Smallville producers and writers delivered big time. Not just in special effects, or even story, but tying their show back to the classic Superman films. It’s kitchy cool. I don’t expect much to happen until November sweeps. Now that Clark has lost his powers, I suspect he will finally make it with Lana. He’ll probably do something stupidly heroic and almost die before getting his powers back. We know how it ends. Not every episode is a gem, but getting to the end should be fun.

Just bring back the Flash. Nuff Said.

I’ve watched Nip/Tuck since the beginning. It’s a bit like a train wreck in slow motion, you know something bad is happening, but you can’t take your eyes off it. After watching the premier episode of season three, I’ve realized it’s a clever soap opera—targeted at men. Oh, I am sure women are drawn to it, for the soap aspects and the plastic surgery. The show actually makes you feel great if you haven’t had plastic surgery, as they show in graphic horror what each operation is like and what the negative effects can be afterward.

But for the guys, you just watch and wait for one of the doctors to land a hot babe in bed. There’s super-stud Dr. Christian Troy, who in the first season seemed to bag a new chick every other episode. His partner, Dr. Sean McNamara, seemed to come alive after he realized his wife had two-timed him back in college with Troy, and that his son was actually father by his best friend. After the divorce, McNamara snapped up Troy’s cast off Kimber Henry (played by the babelicious Kelly Carlson, who’s been in Stuff magazine three times since the show has been running). In one memorable scene, Dr. McNamara agrees to some pro-bono work and Kimber rewards him by bending over naked in front of the bed, giving the camera one of the horniest looks I've ever seen.

Oh sure, the writers on Nip/Tuck are creative. Usually there is one case that symbolizes what the doctors are going through in their personal lives. In Season Two, they were going to dissolve their partnership when McNamara found out that Troy porked his wife eighteen years earlier. Just before they sign the papers, they fly to another city to see if they can separate two Siamese twins, joined at the head. What timing! In addition they share a dorm room and wind up double banging Jennifer O’Dell (the hot jungle babe from the TV show The Lost World), who plays a hooker.

That’s why we keep watching Nip/Tuck. You just never know when a three-way is gonna happen. In the first season, Dr. McNamara’s son Matt bedded two girls in his room. Since they were high school age, I couldn’t believe I was viewing non-pay TV until I saw that V-Chip prelude on the second go-around. The best three-way just happened last week in the Season Three opener. Dr. Troy has been anally raped by the Slasher dude, and needs to get his mojo back. Fortunately, he’s being investigated by a detective, super-hot British babe Rhona Mitra (from Boston Legal). Rhona seems like a tough cookie until she comes to Troy’s apartment to recreate the crime. Then Rhona straddles Troy as he lies helplessly on the bed, lifts up her skirt, and reveals she’s wearing garters and lingerie. This is great therapy for Dr. Troy as he immediately starts banging Rhona, and then Kimber walks in. Troy snaps his fingers and he’s got Kimber kissing Rhona and we start thinking, hey, maybe the Slasher should come to my house?