By OK pardners, it's time once again to round up the herd...
52 Week 14: 52 changes from issue to issue--some weeks it's good, sometimes it stinks worse than Tofu Turkey at Thanksgivin'. This one's purty good, mostly 'cause it's got Doc Magnus tryin' to revive the Metal Men. The Khandaq scenes with the Question and Montoya are so borin' that I'd rather watch my dog chase his tail all day! Maybe I just think the perfect Question was on the Justice League Unlimited series (played by the ex-cell-ent Jeffrey Combs) and his perfect partner was the Huntress.
Annihilation 1: In ten years I will forget everything but this one scene in which Richard Ryder (Nova) nails Gamora. Gamora half nekkid! I've been waitin' thirty years for this day. Thank you, Jesus! I also liked the return of Starlord, but I hope Giffen gives him back his costume and raygun.
Beyond! 2: News flash--Spidey ain't dead! This here mini-series is a hoot and a half. If any of you fellers figured out who "Michael" was halfway into the story, you deserve a No-Prize. Michael is one of Dwayne McDuffie's favorite Marvel characters, and a classic FF supporting character also shows up. The scene where Medusa punishes Venom will no doubt feed S&M fanfic writers for an entire decade.
Civil War Frontline 5: A lot of people think this here's the greatest tie-in book since "Left Behind", but I just gotta tell ya that this dog ain't wearin' nothin' but a choke chain. Ya do get to see what Reed Richards was buildin' to keep the anti-registration heroes in custody--it's a doozy! Ya might say that alone is worth $3, but I liked seein' Wonder Man back in action. Simon always asks the right questions!
Crisis Aftermath The Spectre 3: This mini almost got me to forget about the lost opportunity with Jim Corrigan. Crispus Allen did his best to win me over when he vomited money on that evil millionaire. I ain't at all sure about the goatee. I ain't never seen a ghost with a goatee before!
Firestorm The Nuclar Man 28: Now if this ain't the classic Firestorm--Professor Stein is back in the Matrix! It doesn't matter if it's Jason Rusch or Ronnie Raymond, this series needed a young hero and someone to call Daddy. I ain't sure who those Dollie dudes are, but I can't wait to find out!
JSA Classified 28: I ain't too sure what this story's all about. It's got some gimmick to allow the Golden Age Flash and Green Lantern to fight Wildcat. Wildcat proves he's still the nastiest hand to hand fighter in the DCU--Beau Smith has got to be proud! As for myself, I just kept starin' at Vixen's hooters. I think Halle Berry's next superhero movie outta be Vixen.
Martian Manhunter 1: Sheee-oot, they say this is J'onn J'onzz, but this ain't the Martian Manhunter I grew up with. He looks like a green Conehead to me. Is Dan Ackroyd under all that makeup? Bring back ol' Oreo-lovin' JJ! Is he still trapped in that ginormous pitchfork? If I was DC, I'd give this book to Dwayne McDuffie to write.
She Hulk 10: Anyone remember Creatures on the Loose and the mangy Man-Wolf? John Jameson's alter ego is back and Pug's in his way. That opening scene with She-Hulk flaggin' down Hellcat for her Superhero Registration forms is funnier than hell. I love this book!
Squadron Supreme 6: The best part of this here revamp is Nighthawk. Spoutin' Malcolm X philiosophy while torchin' a drug den was darn cool to read. After that, it's downhill with a lot of sub-plot spinnin' and yakkin' and schemin' and Zarda/Power Princess lookin' at Mark Milton like he's a Chippendale dancer on Friday night.
Superman 655: Hooray for Mr. Kurt Busiek--he's made Clark Kent more interestin' than ever. That super-brain power and the microdots in the book gave me goosebumps. Joe Bob finally broke down cryin' at that unrequited love scene with Lana Lang. You fellers who remember Arion are gonna be mighty pleased--that boy really knew how to party in Paris! Oh yeah, there's a monster who can make Superman bleed, too.
Wolverine Origins 5: I still think this series is like a steer with a bum leg, but this issue's the best one to date. Not one but two important factoids from Wolvy's past are revealed! They're purty good secrets, too. I just can't believe that Cap is fightin' Wolverine while they're on the same team (pre-Civil War). Call me loco, but I just wouldn't trust a feller who put a blood clot in my leg!
To sum it all up, here's the best and the worst...
US1 Utilitarian Union Brand of Excellence: Superman 655
Near the Front of the Herd: Firestorm 26, She-Hulk 10, Beyond 2.
Won't Read It In The Outhouse: JSA Classified 28.
If you're keepin' score, that's 2 for Mighty Marvel, and 2 for the reformed Dumb Communists. See ya at the virtual Drive-In next Wednesday. Nuff said.
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