John Stockwell Makes Me Blue

In the 2001 TV show Undeclared, the character played by Seth Rogan makes this comment about Maxim magazine: "I like Maxim. It's got babes, games, DVDs, sports. It's like it was written just for me!" I feel the same way about director John Stockwell. Stockwell may be the Stanley Kubrick for the Maxim generation. He's two for two now: Blue Crush and Into the Blue, both bikini-clad masterpieces.

I'm watching Into the Blue (Widescreen Edition) on DVD right now. It's got some kind of plot about sunken treasure, but I don't give a shit. It's got Alba, yeah, Jessica Alba, and she is sexy in this one (unlike how I felt about Sin City). There's not a scene where Alba doesn't look Mahhhvellous, as Billy Crystal used to say. The movie takes place in the Bahamas and gives Jessica plenty of reason to run around in thongs and cut-off jeans. Alba's ass deserves its own special MTV award for excellence. Her butt especially looks spectacular in the underwater shots, where the camera hovers above it, like you would if you were diving with her. Stockwell even made the actors free-dive without using scuba gear, just so droogies like us would have a better ass-view. That's just pure fucking genius. The other smart thing is that Paul Walker is also in the movie, so your girlfriend\wife can get off on him. Ashley Scott from the Birds of Prey TV show is also in the flick, and there's a pretty unbelievable shot of her from behind as she sunbathes on a boat. No silicon breasts. Stockwell is an ass man, just like me.

Imagine. Imagine we could end all wars and achieve world peace by air-dropping packages of these DVDs along with Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum. Imagine repressed women around the world shedding those berkas and imitating Alba. Yeah, man, make me the goddamn Secretary of Defense and we'll fight with booze and sex, not bombs. Nuff said.

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